Elwood J. Bergman

Cheeseburger Medicine


When I was a P & D driver (That’s pickup and delivery.) I had this one stop in Connecticut for a company that made artificial flavors and fragrances. Somehow, these chemicals were not regulated as hazmat of any kind, but one breath inside that building, and you’d have a splitting headache for the rest of the day. I tried getting in and out as fast as possible, but it didn’t matter. Pills, water, and coffee didn’t help either.

I talked to one of the other drivers, and there is a cure for that headache. After making that pickup, eat the biggest, greasiest cheeseburger you can. Believe it or not, that worked! I tried it later on for other chemically induced headaches. Getting sprayed with antifreeze, diesel exhaust fluid (DEF), and anti-gel additive fumes. Again, I healed myself with cheeseburgers. That is the most %$#@!* American thing I have ever said! WOOO!!! ‘MERICA!!!

So the moral of this story, “If you have a job that involves such nasty chemicals that eating a cheeseburger makes you feel better, get a different job.”